I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
