why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
Randomize
