I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
they're like a gay fantastic four
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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