The maid of honor just puked.
Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Randomize
