Plan B is the new Plan A
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
Randomize
