Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
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I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
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It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
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