Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
My vagina is very pro this idea
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
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