its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Randomize
