my soul wont recognize me after tonight
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
do you think the kids from 7th heaven are mad that dennis and sweet dee are their half-brother and sister?
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Randomize
