I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
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