Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
I like my sex mixed with concussions.
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
