I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
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