I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
Randomize
