Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Randomize
