i would punch a child for taco bell
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
Randomize
