It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
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