Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
3 st and 6 ave. One dollar pitchers. Look out world.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
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