when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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