you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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