I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
I DEMAND FORESKIN
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
