wakey wakey hands off snakey
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
there is glitter all over my balls
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
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