at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Randomize
