So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
