A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
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