Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Randomize
