Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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