I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
