How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
Randomize
