I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
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