She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
where are my eyebrows?
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
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