I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
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