I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Randomize
