i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Randomize
