this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Randomize
