i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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