My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
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decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
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Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
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