I got fucking wesley sniped last night by that power hoe. How'd it end up on your end? Did you canoodle the stripper enough for her to agree to go to formal?
So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
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