when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
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