Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
