Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
