I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
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