he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
do herpes really smell.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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