so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
I'm just looking out for you.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip