Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Randomize
