OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
HE'S turngign 18teen real soon.k
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
Randomize
