so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
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