She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
