accomplished twins. life is a go
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
