there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
Text me some of your sweat
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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