hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
Randomize
