i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
