She's JV to your varsity
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
Randomize
