His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
Randomize
