i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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