there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
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