My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
