I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
