can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
