I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
Randomize
