When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Randomize
