onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
This is my life. Enjoy the view
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
Randomize
